Want to know how to keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship?
Here’s the truth: It’s not about scheduled intimacy or expensive date nights.
Relationship Researchers and Experts all have their own flavor of recommendations when it comes to keeping the spark alive. I did a little review of four prominent players in the field for you here, with my 3 top tips as a bonus at the end.
Esther Perel, the world’s best-known relationship expert and author of Mating in Captivity, talks about how desire needs:
“A bridge to cross” - a sense of mystery
Seeing your partner excel at something / being in their zone of genius
Adventure - the excitement of getting up and doing something new
Professor John Gottman, an MIT mathematician-turned-psychologist and wife Dr. Julie Gottman, whose research on couples over 20 years allowed them to predict divorce with 90% accuracy, shows that sustaining passion long term is about:
Everyday connection through turning toward each other’s bids for attention
Creating a culture of appreciation and respect
Doing exciting and playful activities together
Maintaining emotional intimacy through vulnerability and non-sexual touch
Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and author who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) from her PhD research on couples and worked with neuroscientists to show how EFT affected the brain, said that a lifetime of love comes down to:
A.R.E. you there for me?
A = Accessible, available - if I turn to you will you move toward me?
R = Responsiveness - when I share what’s on my heart will you respond with curiosity and empathy? Does my pain matter to you?
E = Engaged - do you have a desire to participate in this conversation? In being physically and emotionally present?
Professor David Snarch, urologist and sex therapist, who wrote the classic book Passionate Marriage, said that long-term passion requires:
Differentiation: passion requires two individuals to maintain their unique identities and self-worth
Personal responsibility: looking at your role in the dynamic rather than focusing on changing your partner
Facing Discomfort: being willing to be vulnerable and face difficult emotions
Taken together, it’s interesting to note that both the Gottmans and Johnson focus on ‘turning toward’ each other and being more emotionally intimate, while Perel and Snarch focus more on differentiation.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to how to keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship. Figure out which ingredients your particular dynamic needs, and bring them in.
Top 3 Characteristics of Couples Who Successfully Keep the Spark Alive in a Long-Term Relationship
(Which actually take ALL of these viewpoints into account and are easily actionable).
According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of Come Together, who wrote that in her research on couples, the characteristics of those with sex lives that thrive over the long term are:
They trust and respect each other
They both decide sex matters in their relationship
They ignore what anyone else said about how sex ‘should’ look and do sex their way
Trusting and respecting each other requires that you bring in both differentiation and the ability to turn toward each other and create emotional safety.
Deciding that sex matters requires personal responsibility and a focus on how to cultivate passion - whether that’s through adventure and mystery, or another way.
And giving yourselves permission to do sex ‘your’ way means you’re willing to be uncomfortable, have the hard conversations, and bring in non-conventional ways to do intimacy.
Now that you’ve heard what some of the best minds have to say about how to keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship, what are you going to implement in your own relationship?
Or, if you’re dating, how does this change the way you will evaluate potential partners?
Ready to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Relationship?
If you’re ready to take what you’ve learned and put it into action, join me for my Monthly Couples Practice Evening.
In this exclusive space, we’ll dive deep into hot AF polarity play, heart-centered connection, and explore my three pillars of: safety, spark, and sacred.
For 2 hours each month, you'll have the opportunity to practice these life-changing tools in a supportive, intimate setting with your partner.
Let’s create the passionate relationship you deserve.
See you there.
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on Instagram: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD
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