“Our relationship isn’t perfect, but…”
Here’s the thing:
Perfection isn’t the goal.
It never was.
If by ‘perfect’ you mean ‘we never fight’ - then you’ve missed the point.
You see, psychologists used to believe that the caregiver-baby bond was one uninterrupted stream of bliss. And so we extrapolated that the ideal marriage was also one of uninterrupted peace, happiness, and bliss.
But this isn’t how humans work.
Attachment research blew this idea out the water and showed that babies and their caregivers are in a constant dance of attunement, rupture, and repair.
This means that from the moment we come blinking into this world, our nervous system goes through these cycles - we’re trained that way and it’s expected.
To be aiming for ‘perfection’ in a relationship is to be ungrounded in the reality of being a human meat sack.
Instead, what we know that makes relationships work today is…drum roll:
Your ability to repair effectively.
A great relationship isn’t measured by whether or not you fight, but instead by how well you repair.
Rupture is inevitable (and its total absence is in fact a red flag).
Repair is an art form that takes courage and humility to learn.
A great relationship has both.
“All relationships are a dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair,” says renowned couples’ therapist, Terry Real (author of “Us”).
What I wish I heard couples say instead is: “Yeah, we have our tough moments, and damn I’m proud of our ability to repair. Because we know how to come back together, we aren’t afraid to be real with each other. I can trust my partner, and our relationship feels alive, full of respect and love.”
So… How do you repair? What does that look like?
Stay tuned for my next article on the art of repair.
In the meantime…
Are you looking for more ways to reignite the passion in your relationship?
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Dr. Jessica,
xo
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