How to Help Her Feel Good in the Bedroom

What’s Inside Women’s Heads When It Comes to Pleasure & Sex

Here’s what was inside my head as a woman when I just couldn’t get things to feel good when it came to intimacy:

The truth is, after being indoctrinated with the idea that women’s bodies are ‘dirty’, I was uncomfortable and vaguely disgusted by my body ‘below the waist.’

And the worst part is, I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words to talk about it. The shame was paralyzing.

Even more, it had been ingrained in me that sex was for the man, and I better please him at all costs. I was afraid of getting ‘messy’ and worried my body didn’t look good enough, since I wasn’t model-thin.

As you might imagine, this made sex stressful and no fun at all, with full-bodied, surrendered pleasure frustratingly out of reach.

The woman in your life may be in the same or similar situation — and having a hard time talking about it.

In my work with hundreds of men, I’ve observed that most simply don’t realize how intense this indoctrination is for women.

So, how do you help?

How to Help Her Feel Good in the Bedroom

Here are 2 things you can do. They both require courage — and they are so worth it, when you consider that the prize is love, connection, and intimacy.

1) As discussed above, consider that your partner may be facing an overwhelming inner wall of shame.

Purity culture and religious indoctrination have made pleasure sinful, asking for what you want is impossible, and sex for any reason other than procreation is out-of-bounds for many women.

The wall of shame can make it unthinkable to speak any words associated with sex or desire.

I’ll never forget the day that a woman in her 60s told me: “It didn’t occur to me [for my entire 40-year marriage] that I could ask for what I wanted.”

I got chills when she said that.

Additionally, the men I work with regularly report that their wives say things like:

“You just don’t talk about THAT [sex]. It’s just not done.”

If you want to support her around this, the first thing to do is to realize:

It’s not personal. You don’t need to take her shut-down personally.

You’re up against forces much larger than you.

I recommend you read a few books by women who have escaped purity culture, and you’ll understand.

Men who get this are true warriors of love, beloved by women.

Now, I’m not saying this inner wall of shame is necessarily the case for every woman, but I am suggesting you get curious about whether it is so (and give yourself a break from feeling ‘not good enough’).

It can help you have more compassion for her and antidote any negative feelings that may have been built-up.

Because these feelings — resentment, frustration, anger, neediness — only serve to drive her further into shut-down.

Instead, you can help her heal when you meet her inner shame with compassion and curiosity.

Give her permission to feel what she feels, and space to open up in the safety of your protective presence.

It can change her life.

2) Here’s the second thing you can do to help her feel good in the bedroom.

As hard as it may be to hear, it’s going to turbo-charge change in your intimate life if you can face this head-on:

Your attempts to initiate with her likely have come across as pressure, ‘convincing’, or needy.

I know that wasn’t your intention. This is not your fault. We don’t get taught how to relate skillfully.

But you do want things to change, right?

Here’s the deal: this is the default way men learn to communicate and initiate in our culture.

So, unless you have studied how NOT to do this, it’s probably how you are coming across to her no matter how good your intentions behind it have been.

In relating, we have to monitor the impact of our actions, regardless of our intention.

(I had to learn all this too, by the way).

So, what do you do instead?

Hint: one thing you can do to help her feel good is to master the art of the tease, the flirt, and the courtier.

Contrary to popular belief, these do not involve grand gestures or expensive dinners.

I’ll tell you exactly what they do involve, along with 3 other key ways to be irresistible to your woman in my free class — FOR MEN.

Download and watch “How to be Irresistible to Your Woman” here.

Dr. Jessica